You have to deal with how people are perceiving you daily. Every culture has rules on what is the best perception and which is less attractive. The way you are observed is your image. It is the base on which people judge you and categorize you. The more people know you the less they form your image by your looks and the more they form it on your character. A part of your image is under your control but large parts are not.

I got aware of my image around 10 years ago when I attended a Youth Theater School. I was in the beginning of my second year when I got an evaluation that I should drop my cuteness factor and dare to show more of myself, I seemed to do unique things but the teachers there wanted to see were it came from. I was still a small boy with glasses and I was very shy; a cute little boy that was not easily reached. That evaluation forced me to think about how I was perceived, it came as a small shock to myself but did set a big change in motion.

At first I was building my awareness of my image. I figured that people saw me as cute but did not take me seriously. I was still little and my glasses did not help to create an approachable person. I saw that by focussing on my own inner world I was a bit late in my development. I did not go through this changing process very consciously but bit by bit I changed small bits. First I decided to lose my glasses, my eyesight was not very good so those glasses made my eyes look small. With lenses my puppy eyes were uncovered and I noticed people began to see me differently. Next were clothes and such. Well all the steps you get through with puberty to find yourself. One advantage by being late was that I observed others going through the same process earlier so I made some better choices and all went a bit more fluently. For example I began later with alcohol than most and I used it with more moderation and had it more under control. (There were of course exceptions)

The next step came when I chose for an academic study Computer Science which I tried for some months. At first it seemed to be what I wanted, because I created websites and related stuff as an after school job and I liked the flexibility of the computer. (Ok, affirming my nerd image) But after a talk with a close friend who also decided to stop I discovered this was not what I wanted and chose to search for a place where I could be more creative and deal more with people.

At the study Communication and Multimedia Design, based on self learning, I really discovered who I was. I saw I had some pre-knowledge on multimedia and I could help a lot of students with my experience. I learned to use my cuteness factor to direct people and projects in good directions. I got my self confidence there and learned how to use it. My theater experience fueled a new passion of presenting and because I liked it they even asked me to do presentations even for bigger projects for high profile visitors of the study. When I first avoided people I did really discover myself there and loved to open myself up. I discovered I had a kind of charm that worked with people. The cuteness of the little boy had evolved.

Another dominant factor is that I am a bit chaotic. I have sometimes trouble to explain what I think and am often a bit distracted with my thoughts so I get a little confused. It often leads to strange conversations in stores out of miscommunication or a bit of clunky behaviour with stuff. It adds again a bit to my cuteness factor or is maybe the main cause of it.

But besides my new found openness I still keep a kind of distance in some situations. I am most of the times a bit reserved in a group where I do not know some or all of the people. Well I can get out of the closedness if I get into a role but it is not always easy to open yourself as yourself. I see that I am a bit different than most people and have discovered I am at my best with more abstract thinking or more creative people.

My intellectual side also creates some distance. I like to read up a lot on some specialized topics on multimedia design, experience, philosophy, 3d technology etc. and I tend to lose myself in theories and thoughts that can not be shared with most friends. I tend to talk about some of the stories I read about but the friends around me are mostly not into that kind of stuff. (It is maybe the main reason of this weblog) Well it is good to ground myself with friends to have real fun but it is still a struggle with my inner world and outer world.

I still discover strange things about myself that I still have to learn to deal with. It is fun to see myself still evolving and also learn to be more myself. For example It is strange to discover what love does with a person and what it is to share myself with somebody else. Well there is no end goal, the only goal is to have fun and to discover beautifull things. It is a fun road.